Going to Utah Thursday!

I will be headed to Utah Thursday and thus, will not be blogging Thursday through Saturday - likely. I'm going to visit family - the closest I have to me from where I live now, and see my friend off before she goes away to Okinawa... *sigh* It will be my first long haul with kids on my own in my new car, and I hope to survive...

With so much coming up, I've got to make sure to get the last few things in before life gets super busy...

Hang in there! I'll be back to fun blogging soon!

Don't you hate it when?

I know that some of us that read this blog, attend LDS services on Sunday, so this might very well make lots of sense to those of you who go. And to those of you who don't, I'll try to detail well enough to give you the sense of complete and utter embarassment I suffered yesterday, THREE TIMES!

Argh!

So, I went shopping on Saturday with Gretchen and bought a new dress for church. I didn't realize until Sunday morning and taking a "progress" picture you could see through the entire dress! *MORTIFIED* In an attempt to save myself on Sunday, I searched through the tubs of "too small" clothes in the garage and after about the fifteenth bin, I found a slip. As a matter of fact, it was the WHITE slip I wore when I worked at See's Candies. I really didn't care that it hung out of the top of my dress, so long as you couldn't see through my dress. Tradgedy adverted, or so I thought.

Before heading out the door for church, I took a Loracet as I had already had max dose for migraine medication and I was in miserable pain. I had to go to church guys, I promise. I needed to know that God knew what he was doing when he asked me to be the "wolf leader" in the Cub Scouts program.... (I wish it were Vampires or something, I'm not team Jacob afterall)

About two minutes from the church - okay - really - like 15 seconds from my driveway and 2 minutes to church, the pain killer set in. I remember looking at Jason saying, "Honey, I took some good medicine, and I might be out of it...." and that's about all I remember. Yes, I still attended church in my not even aware of my feet existing below me, state.

Because we arrived to church 5 minutes late, we were on the 12th row of overflow seats that so convieniently sits on a hardwood basketball floor. My children cannot help themselves from running around, flashing their panties and announcing that they need to matriculate -pee-pee- loud enough for our dear Bishop to hear about 100 yards away. Fabulous. So, because I cannot walk or barely even keep my eyes open at this point, I send Grace out to the bathroom with Faith to go tinkle. They return only to parading with their loudest set of clippity clappity feet on the wood floor! *let me die now*

As I fade in and out of conciousness during fast Sunday, I know there is no way that I can manage any more church. I cannot walk well, let alone have a coherent conversation or understanding of the things around me. My husband makes the executive decision to get me "set apart" before we head for home. Great, I look like a drunk in front of my clergy...

So I stumble in the office and the look of - I don't know - washes over the face of the two men who await to do this "setting." "Does this happen a lot?" said one of the suited up men. "Yes, and sometimes one out of three makes me wind up in the ER on pain meds..." - Does anyone else realize how STUPID THAT SOUNDS?! "Huh, really, that's too bad..." Meanwhile, Aubrey is screaming and writhing around as she is due - well over due - for her nap and we'd like a moment of silence.... Yeah, I don't remember much, but I guess I'm the one for the job.

I recall sitting at the curb outside church waiting for Jason to pick me up because walking was tragic for me. I'm sure at this point, anyone driving through the lot and staring at my direction was probably digging the religion that was hanging out... Yes, I'm sure. I crumpled up in a ball in the front seat of the car and four hours later, woke up in my bed... dizzy and tired.

Hey - I guess at least the migraine is gone, right? If I can't laugh at myself, who will - oh yes, everyone who reads this, right?

More don't you hate it whens at http://blokthoughtsnmore.blogspot.com/

At a loss for words

Lying... I hate it! My oldest must be going through a phase because I can't believe a word she says anymore!

I've gotten over a terrible migraine and I'm okay, but want to go to bed. Sorry I'm lame today

Space Filler

Here's my lame post for the day...

You Should Be a Painter

You have the vision, patience, and skill to bring your unique visions to canvas. And you're even tempered enough not to cut your ear off in the process!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Let me just say...

Maxine has hit the nail on the head. I saw the following cartoon at the lab where I had my blood drawn on Thursday and laughed my head off. Buzzards are circling only because I can't get pregnant again - downsized car and SURGERY! - and we have three birth control babies!!



This is me, most days... LOL - I wish. I'm far too busy with my kids! HA!

Midnight Mulling and the Noisy Brain

So last night, I couldn't sleep and wound up talking to Jason until like 3 in the morning. Yeah, stupid considering we had to be up in three and a half hours to start the day, but it was good to be able to just sit and talk to him. I told him how I've got this huge urge to go to school to be a doctor. Something in the medicine field, maybe green medicine, geriactric care (elderly) or oncology (cancer). I've always been passionate about biology and anatomy classes, and when I get a free minute, I get to sit and research stuff that intrigues me. I dunno how likely it is, but it's something I've been kicking around here lately.

I signed up for classes online and I'm excited! Just a means to start something and gain knowledge is empowering to me. I think if I can prove myself in the next few months in my online classes, I'll seriously consider starting a degree in medicine.

Wanna know how to get kids to clean? Excitedly ask them "Who can clean more fingerprints off the wall than mommy?!" They all respond in their high pitched, "ME! ME!" and I hand them a paper towel and spray what they're supposed to wipe. Now this might backfire on me, because it appeared that cleaning the walls was fun to them, but torture for the stay at home mom. I hope that they spare me future murals and can just be - lovely... for 5 seconds?

I've gotta get back to cleaning, and I'm sorry I was late posting. Terrible of me!

:) Amy

TURDS!

It smelled like turds in my room today and I couldn't figure out why. I sent my sniffer on a mission to see what I could find. Needless to say it was gross and could evoke the urge to vomit in a moment!

Aubrey had a leaky diaper today - Thanks Luvs - and it squished out on one of my new pillows... but it doesn't stop there! She tried to clean it up with wipes which she stored in my computer desk, in a container with NO LID!

TURDS WAFTING! YUCK! GAG!

On another note, I went to help in Grace's classroom again. It was pretty cool to be there with kids who are starting to trust and recognize you. The kids, I'm sure, each have their own special abilities, it's a matter of finding the right way to teach them something on their level of understanding that makes all the difference.

I've gotta get this posted asap because blogger is going to be down!

See ya!

It's On The Books

8 am October 21st, I'll be in the Hospital waiting surgery... Yipes! It's all becoming very real very fast.

Jason and I met some awesome folks at Subway today. Two sets of the sweetest silver haired people you'd ever meet. They just finished a session and you could tell... I talked to them for a bit and come to find out that one of the wives was a cub leader for 13 years! Her husband told me if I needed help, talk to his wife! I couldn't help but giggle.

Finally my car is looking lovely. I'm so happy that we're not paying an arm and a leg for fill ups anymore. :) The fuel efficiency ROCKS! I think we had 280 miles on 3/4 of a tank?! CAN YOU SAY AWESOME!?!? (My tank is only 14 gallons too!!)

Anyway - I'm working on getting some more stuff done around the house and there's some things I have to tend to here around the house. Sorry this isn't a fun blog today.

Hey Mandy! I hope you like my music! :)

Don't You Hate It When... - updated!

You're in a high end dealership and your 3 year old daughter announces, "MOM! I HAVE TO CRAPT!" Yes, indeed she did, after two visits to the loo, she completed her task, only to be followed there shortly after with the 2 year old with a similar announcement..."I CRAPT!" What makes this better? I do not have a diaper or wipes with me and I had to take that stinker home, with the stinker on her butt. When we got home and I changed it, it was hard not to hurl. I did take notice of the 15 bags or so of cookie crumbs - from theivery at the dealer - tucked in her diaper, along with some crumbs. I know some of us believe in food storage, but that is just unacceptable! The scent of chocolate-chippy turds is definately a no go again... but the hint of minty freshness, not nearly so bad!

This should be in the runnings for another Don't You Hate It When **CLICK ME** Don't you hate it when your kids make you breakfast... all over the floor.... with every egg from the carton?

*sorry I'm late - I'm figuring out how these daily things work! http://blokthoughtsnmore.blogspot.com/*

4 weeks from today....

Is surgery day. Nervous? Yes. Scared, not really. A new chapter in my life is about to be started and it's with icy nerves I face what's ahead.

I've been working a bit here and there on small projects. The busier I am the less likely I am to feel low. So, it's been my family history, my friend Robins, editing photos for my band {satellite-state} (GO BUY THEIR EP on iTunes!!) and just trying to stay sane.

Keeping busy. Not hard to do with all my kids, but not easy either when it's overwhelming with the messes they make... GAH!

I was sent the lyrics to a song I absolutely love from my band's manager, Pete. If you get a chance, give my boys a listen. (I think there may be wrong lyrics, but maybe it's my Yankee ears hearing it?)

"Carry your own weight"

Verse 1:
If I told you, would you cry?
It cannot be over yet.
Theres more time, than that.
I have another thing to ask.

Chorus:
This is not the end
to carry your own weight
and trust in love this time
I'd always forgive you
(x2)

Verse 2:
We've been standing here too long
This air is, far too cold.
If theres something on your mind
I'd forgive you, instantly

Chorus:
This is not the end
to carry your own weight
and trust in love this time
I'd always forgive you
(x2)

© {satellite-state}

Trees, why trees?

So last night, I was talking to my mom at a reasonable hour of the day... and conversation turned from my grandma to feelings of people needing to be found. Not like - WANTED or HAVE YOU SEEN ME? - but my family history. Intrigue, always gets the best of me, drove me to the computer to crank up my ancestry.com membership and see what I could find. After my mom sent me her file of what she had... OFF I WENT! Before a few hours, I had added more than 60 people to her tree, her side of the family. After she went to bed, I spent another three hours digging around to find Bowker/Jenkins lines (my dads). And I found more people.

It was interesting to see so many marriages, people, stories, etc. unfold before me. I guess there was some polygamy in the family, some family died in Idaho, and a lot of my ancestors are GERMAN! That explains it all, huh?

I can proudly say that I can print out a 5 generation pedigree chart and there aren't any holes! I wish I could say the same for Jason. So many pieces are missing.

As I look over the names, I remember hearing my Nana (g-grandmother) talking about her mother Aurelia. I have a more clear picture of these people now. Who they were and how I got connected to them. It may sound strange, but to have completed so much family history, helps me to feel not so alone. That may not make sense but oh well. It does to me and I guess that's what matters.

Last night I cried...

Jason and I were laying in bed last night, just yapping away about things, and he said something about my Grandma Burdick - not mean or unkind - but it prompted feelings that I couldn't hold back. It started out as a few quiet tears rolling, then into a full blown sob with the shakes. I felt like I had to apologize to Jason for all of a sudden falling apart, but all I could muster was "I guess I just needed to let that out?"

So very many things going on right now, that it's hard to wrap my mind around it all at once. If I try to take it all on, I get overwhelmed, and fast. I keep telling myself that one step at a time, one thing at a time, one feeling at a time is okay.

A friend from my past contacted me via Facebook. The myriad of memories and emotions tied to that time was supressed for a long time and I don't think I ever really worked through it, just shoved them away somewhere to keep on coping with life. I called and talked to my Aunt yesterday as she was aware of much of that time in my life and just talked through a lot of it. I had forgotten a lot of details, events, and what not. Maybe it was a way to self preserve, to just forget it all? As my aunt shared with me what she remembered, it made me very somber. I'm glad I forgot broken promises, the people of my past that hurt me, and glad I never knew of the lies that were told about me. You almost wonder why people dig you up? In one respect, maybe I was the type of person that was accepting enough to see them as they were at the time and not hold a past against them? Maybe they were hoping I was still the same person? Whatever the reason, it got my gears turning. Now that I can re-visit the past from a healthy mind frame, I'm able to carry through my future a lot more peacefully.

Do things turn out how they should? I would think so.
Do they always follow the perfect protocall for turning out? Never.

Here's some mental bubblegum to chew on for a bit. One of my favorite authors wrote this, and it holds true to my life.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

Deep In Thought

I sat and watched a lot of National Geographic today on TV. Something about the way that life exists outside the states, outside my comfort level intrigues me. Now, I hate camping, swimming, fishing, roughing-it, etc... but watching real life happen on tv is so amazing.


I was first watching a documentary on a man, Shaun Ellis, who raised three wolf pups that were abandoned by their mother. The man was brilliant, moreso than any biologist you could gather information from. He lived as a wolf with these pups for 22 months - and probably still does until he finds a proper home. He ate with them, slept with them, let them eat out of his mouth (GAG), and it was really neat to see man interact with nature so naturally. I wondered what it would be like, to be that giving, to a species other than my own? I doubt my girly nature would allow such things but just something to spur my imagination.

Here is a link to his WIKIPEDIA article... It's amazing! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaun_Ellis_%28wolf_researcher%29 It will air again September 23rd. It's pretty awesome!

The next documentary made me cry. Silverback Gorillas in the Congo forest are being killed and their lands wiped away by people farming the lands for charcoal. CHARCOAL! Seriously. The thing that really struck me the most was the deep reverence the park rangers had for these animals. When they removed the gorrillas dead bodies from the mountain, they were hoisted upon the shoulders of men and walked down (miles) off of the mountain to be buried in a safe place. It was if they were honoring a king.

I don't know that what I learned today will make a difference in the world, but it really opened my eyes to humanity. Humanity at it's core. That people and animals can co-exist and I'm sure it was meant to be that way to some degree.

On a silly note... I was cleaning my house this morning while Aubrey was destroying my kitchen. She managed to shove a chair over to the counter, dump pancake mix into my tub of margarine and syrup on a leftover pancake. Half of my tub was wasted, and I just thought, well... she's starting young, isn't she?

Terrible.

I'll be alone tonight, I'm sure as Jason is on a huge de-railment. I will have lovely interesting and dangerous things to blog about tomorrow I'm sure!

I'm wiped out!

I'm incredibly tired today, and wish I could just go sleep for a few hours.... *sigh* I'm gonna keep this short today, like me, so I can possibly lay down for a bit!

:)

I stole Batman's wing-person and took them for my own!

BWA-HA-HA!

Back in my high school days, of dear ol' Salty-Tuna High - acutally Sultana High, I didn't really enjoy much of school. My senior year was a delight because I signed up for ROP Cosmetology classes so I'd get dismissed early. The things that beauty school would bring into my life were all to bizarre, except for the laughability rockabilly best friend I'd find there.

Robin, my friend of - holy crap - 10 years, and I met in this Ghetto Fabulous beauty school. The first conversation we had was over cherries I had drawn on my nail kit box and she asked me to put them on her fingers, and it's been friends ever since.

Robin and I would go on amazing, crazy adventures. Sitting on the curb where Mike Ness grew up, walking the pier at Huntington Beach dressed like little rockabilly girls, the cruise nights at Hot Rods, meeting strange men from a band (Johnny Ransom) Downside, and the list goes on....

I was her hair model for a hair show - which we never wound up doing and Paul Mitchell's team WHACKED my hair off - and she was my acrylic nail hand model. I remember feeling like I was gonna crap my pants. She'd just sit across from the table from me, turn her finger a certain way so I'd see a mistake, and we'd have this silly inner laughter going on.

I think at that time in my life, her friendship was critical. A lot was going on at home with my family, mostly my brother, and her laughter, her funny nature kept me going sometimes. Let it be known, that Robin was the first person to give me a sip of beer, (YUCK - IT WAS ROUGH!), first person to see me intoxicated, introduce me to Master P (and turn this **** off), put makeup on me (beyond mascara) and color my hair permanently. A lot of first things I shared with her and I find myself in situations, even 10 years later that will make me laugh out loud or even cry myself silly.

I fear for my kids, only because I know what I did as a teenager wasn't nearly as dangerous as it will be for my kids in 10 years. The things that we so innocently did - like road trips - in 10 years might not even be possible. What I do know, is that I am grateful for her being there for me when I needed it. Though we're 1000 miles away now, no joke, I still enjoy talking to her on the phone and getting an occasional email with "Hi! How are you? Where's your blog for the day?" Friends like these you don't just throw away once you're gone, you carry their memory with your forever.

Thanks Robin! :)

*New weekly feature of Amy's Adventures with Friends coming Thursdays on Soap Box Amy's Blog!

'MOM! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEEEEEE!'

And other priceless things your 7 year old might scream when afflicted with pain. Somehow, Grace managed to lodge a pencil between her 2nd and 3rd toes on her left foot, leaving behind a hole nearly 3/4 inch deep and about the diameter of a grain of rice. I couldn't dig out the lead, so I had to take her to the ER, as urgent care just closed 2 minutes before I showed up. F-an-tastic...

So, hobbling and sobbing into the ER, Grace - thankfully still alive *wink* - was able to communicate well enough to get treatment without mom being mouthpiece. They took X-rays and saw nothing. They said colored pencil lead wouldn't really show up, pencil would, yadda yadda. I got a script for Augmentin to prevent infection, and they sent us home.

On the way home she said "Mom? I don't really feel that bad now!" I thought - great. Hear that toilet flusing with our co-pay of 25.00 right in it? FABULOUS! UGH. The child dramatics are really starting, huh?

Yipes, give me a few years and I'm sure I'll be totally gray, broke and insane!

Unreal Day!

My actual car above - Car seats loaded too!! Stock Photo Below

Last night, we went back to the dealer to get our car. I traded in my Durango - *sniff sniff - but good riddance to fill ups* for a 2009 Volkswagon Jetta. It's been my dream car for ages now and it rides like butter... Awesome feeling being behind the wheel of a car again! We got a pretty good package to go together so we're all in all rather pleased and the difference we were paying in gas fill ups is going to be so huge back in our budget! We seldom go anywhere the five of us, and when we do, it's seldom farther than a 25 minute ride... so we've lucked out!

I went and helped in Grace's class again today. Not as fabulous as yesterday, but still good to be out and helping. I don't know why I need to be called as a Cub Scout leader either, ugh... I'm frightened beyond belief!

And the most fantastic and crap my pants silly news is...

*drumroll please?*

I am approved for my surgery! My paperwork went in Monday, they determined I'm eligible Tuesday and sent out my authorization TODAY! HOLY CRAP! It's so wierd to be having so much going on in my life that's happening the way I want it to. For so long I didn't allow myself much because I have children to tend to, and rightfully so and I was on the backburner. Now, things are panning out really well and I'm relieved and feel like vomiting at the same time. The nerves are setting in. Hopefully I can get a Xanax or Valium before I go to the hospital. So surgical day is October 21, 2008.... I should be a whole person by Thanksgiving!

Anywhoo! That's the latest and Greatest from my neck of the woods!

I guess I have a following!

I went MIA for a few days with regards to my blog and I get called on it! *giggles* Funny how we have this mundane or insane life to share and people actually like to read about it! We may never really realize how much we can help others by what we survive through.

I really gotta say that today was a rather rewarding day. Volunteering is a favorite thing of mine to do because I really feel like I'm doing something better than what I normally do at home... Like sit in my Yoga clothes all day and mindlessly search the internet or read celebrity gossip. Today was especially awesome! I went into Grace's school, thinking I would offer my help to the teacher and get the students in her class the one-on-one time they needed. Thankfully, she could use my help and the kids were happy to see me. Probably because most of them are as tall as me, and could easily pummel me into the ground if they wanted. I don't know that for sure but, ya know? Kids are cute!

Anyway, I got to help a few kids with double digit subtraction and borrowing, Some of these kids had no idea how to do what they needed to and after two problems worked through with them, they got the idea. One little boy was so sweet. He had no confidence because he had all his problems wrong on his paper. I told him "I can show you the easiest way to do your numbers and I promise, you will rock this subtraction!" He looked at me with these really sad boy eyes and I said "let's get to work!" So off we went and slowly he started to catch on. By the 12th problem, he had done one on his own and was so proud of himself. His eyes lit up and he said "I get it!" A million bucks, that's what it felt like to see him do something he thought was impossible. After we finished his page of problems, I wrote a huge "YOU ROCK!!" and two smiley faces on his page. He obliged me with a high five, and as he walked away, he said "thanks..." *wipe tears away now, it's okay*

Kids are amazing. I wish that more of them could see their potential. Most of them need a "you can do it!" and "you rock!" more often. The power of approval is awesome and kids are true champions given the confidence they need.

We might go buy a new car tonight. I think I'm done with the SUV lifestyle. It's terrible for me to get in and out of it and the kids... however... just don't know how we'll fit... *sigh*

Okay, I gotta run and crunch some numbers. Love you lots!

Holy Crap Batman! 148.6!!

So, last night, Jason cleaned the entire downstairs!! Happy Birthday late to me! WHOOO! That was awesome! I felt like I was in a dream! Table scrubbed and cleaned off, floor swept and mopped, kids stuff picked up, laundry room organized.... WOW! He loves me!

So I got on the scale this morning, because I haven't in 3 days, I think? Anyway - I am down 27.2 pounds? I can't believe it! I've not been under 150.0 pounds since I can remember! The feeling of accomplishment is great and the sacrifices I've made are so worth it. My confidence is better and I love being in pictures with my friends now! I feel like I'm okay to be see in front of a camera finally!

Oh yes, and yesterday I went dress shopping for the little girls at Other Mothers. I found some Gap, Old Navy, Gymboree and OshKosh clothes for the girls. I got 5 dresses, tights 4, panty covers 4, long sleeve shirts 3, sweaters 2, and pant suit 1) - HOLY CRAP! That's 5,4,3,2,1!!! Wierd! LOL Anyway... I felt awesome racking up a bill of only 34.00!!! Whooo hooo Amy! It's nice to be able to buy nicer things for my kids and not spend a lot because they destroy pretty much everything anymore. Little girls clothes, 12 months and under, they have lots of and good brands if you just dig a bit!

A yahooo! Oh yes, and I was up watercoloring last night. I redid a version of one of my book characters and I hate it. I think I like the original much better!

Love to you all!

Oh Yes, And Breakfast Yesterday...

This was my breakfast from yesterday. Faith and Aubrey made me a dozen eggs. Raw eggs on my floor... Yes. Thoughtful, I know.

Flattered Beyond Belief

I have the coolest friends here in Idaho. I had no clue what would happen today, but it was just really, an awesome time. Mandy said she would take me to lunch at Brick 29, but that we had to stop at Red Robin and get a gift card for her nephew Drew. I went along with it, having NO IDEA what was waiting for me. Mandy told me to go in with her to buy the gift card and I thought, hey, sure who wants to sit in a car anyway? I got out and noticed that the car next to us looked like Amy Wixoms... and as we approached the doors, two red heads sat on the bench outside, and then it hit me. I KNOW THEM! It didn't hit me until they stood up and hugged me that they were meeting ME for lunch. Flattered. Very flattered. We had the best laugh out loud time. This lunch date was simply an awesome time, especially because it was child free and full of good friends.

Thank you my friends. I love you more than I can say. I feel fabulous at 27!

:)

Quiet Moments

Today I went to Red Robin for lunch and had a Turkey Burger - Protien Style *GASP* with a side salad. I don't miss the bread anymore, but I did savor a few bites of my ice cream sundae. Which by the way was fabulous. The rucous made at the restraunt today by the staff was so embarassing. I'm grateful though, that I am alive, and I've been given so much. Or that I've allowed myself to believe I deserve such great things. Maybe a little of both.



It's in these quiet moments that I find myself feeling pretty lonely and sad. Jason is working on my birthday and I'm here with the little girls watching them string foam beads on necklaces. It will be a few more hours until Mandy comes over, and I think that will be nice to have company. I was contemplating the fact that I think my birthday is embarassing more than it makes me sad. Maybe it's because I'm not the attention type - anymore - and I kind of like blending in. I feel all too lucky to just have what I do, that gifts are just extra, I guess. Terrible of me, huh? I don't mean to sound ungrateful, acutally just the opposite. When you feel like you have so much... Meh. I'll let this one rest.

My friends and family, I miss you on my birthday, but know I am carrying you in my thoughts and heart today across the miles.

Pictures to Follow

So this morning, I woke up and chased Grace through the house trying to help her find her homework. In the meantime, Mandy was outside, decorating my front yard, unbeknown to me, with Birthday decorations. I sat like a zombie in the chair in my living room for quite some time, and then Jason, who obviously couldn't wait to show me, hoisted me out of the chair, took me to the door, and opened it. Thankfully, I have pictures of it before the children set foot outside, and I have the coolest friend (friends really) ever.

I hope I get through today okay. I sobbed last night while I tried to go to sleep. My grandma is missing this year and it's crushing me. Just one of those things that takes getting used to.

Last night, Jason made me open all my presents at Midnight. Seriously. I got two Jim Shore figurines - one of Mickey Mouse as the sorcerer and the other of Bambi with a butterfly on his tail. I was sentimental looking at the Mickey Mouse figurine. I miss Disneyland. Then, I was bestowed with "Becoming Jane" on DVD - I was hopeful for Blu-Ray but they only have that in Boise. A sack full of expensive art stuff I somehow have a feeling my children will discover and destroy. 22.00 marker set... I about threw up at the price. I'm really good with just the ultra fine sharpies... *gosh*

Mandy sent this to me this morning. I thought it would be fun to post it because it took a bit of thought on my part.

Thank you, my friends, for being here for my birthday. My world is a lot less lonely with you in it!

**~~**

This one is a challenge :-} You can only type one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? clueless
2. Your significant other? sleeping
3. Your hair? Brown
4. Your mother? Nancy
5. Your father? Doc
6. Your favorite thing? therapy
7. Your dream last night? didn't
8. Your favorite drink? diet
9. Your dream? meh...
10. The room you're in? bedroom
11. Your ex? who?
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? published
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What are you? different
16. Muffins? illegal
17. One of your wish list items? silence
18. Where you grew up? Hesperia
19. The last thing you did? grinned
20. What are you wearing? pajamas
21. Your TV? DELL
22. Pets? UGH
23. Your computer? SLOW
24. Your life? strange
25. Your mood? melancholy
26. Missing someone? terribly
27. Your car? reorganized
28. Your job? interesting
29. Something you're not wearing? g-string
30. Favorite Store? Target
31. Your summer? moving
32. Like someone? sure!
33. Your favorite color? red
34. When is the last time you laughed? dawn
35. Last time you cried? midnight

Just Blah

I went out to dinner with Gretchen last night - well the kids came along too - but I ate far too many french fries and last night I was MISERABLE I won't go doing that again.

I'm sitting around my house, in pajamas, not feeling like doing anything but laying in bed. I guess the inevitable is coming. Me facing my birthday. This is not something I have looked forward to, in fact, I can't remember when I wanted to have a birthday. Terrible, huh?

I got my artwork done for the basic concept parts of my book and I'm pleased. I'm still tweaking the story as it might be a bit long for the age group I'm aiming for, but as soon as I find a literary agent to help, I might be making it big! :) One can only hope, right?

To all of you in cyber-space - a huge hello and hug. I hope you are well and I'm sure by the time the night hits, I'll have something better to write about!

I know how the Phantom Feels & More Progress

One half of my face is pretty much numb. I went and had some dental work done and boy! I've got a funny looking paralyzed face. Terrible I tell ya. Notice in my progress picture, forward facing, the right side of my face - that's your left side - is droopy... Yuck!

This morning wasn't without our fair share of issues. We couldn't find the car keys that WERE in my purse, and no longer are. So, I had to drive to the dealer, pay 7.95 to get a "valet" key to get the car open and get the one set of keys I knew the location of, OUT!

What else?

I started to re-read the twilight series. I'd love to get some more books, or something new going. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?

So, two more days and I'll be 27. Do birthday's really matter to anyone anymore? I think that once you're 21, it's all down hill from there pretty much. *rolls eyes* This fun thing we call aging, well, I still look about 18-ish and probably will the rest of my life... maybe look as good as Madonna does at 50.

I'm going to sit and re-work my book I've been writing. My mind won't shut up at night, just too many ideas running in my head, so hopefully, once I get it out and on paper, it will SHUT-UP!

Okay, off to work!

Amy

Farewell, my friend...

So, I got a call while I was at the doctors office yesterday in the waiting room, from my friend MarQuis. He called to let me know he was leaving Boise and headed to LA to take care of his grandmother. I don't know that anyone might be able to sympathize with him more as I helped to take care of mine. What he is headed for is such a labor of love.

I went to meet him at the mall today, to talk and get a soda. He was so happy to see me looking so well, and I had just seen him about 2 months ago. MarQuis said he noticed a glow about me, some sort of inner peace... oh yes, and that 25 pounds was gone. But to know that I have had such an awesome change in myself in such a short amount of time, it's huge to me.

I've been fighting to feel like my spirit and body exist together. I felt like a body going through the motions every day, tuned out to my feelings and inner thoughts. The sound of my inner voice now is sometimes deafening in my head.

I cried today on the way to the mall, but not for long. I stopped my thoughts for a moment on the missing my friend part, and thought really what was at the core of this feeling. When I looked at it like I'm not losing him or his friendship, it's just the ability to talk to someones face and read their body language, or get that hug that makes you feel like you're going to be okay, then the pain wasn't so bad. But the heart still hurts when a friend isn't so close. It was almost like re-opening the goodbyes from when I left California.

The compliments paid to me today, for the first time in ages, were accepted. I've never really been able to accept them or say thank you for them, but I know how hard I've worked for my inner peace and for the "chi" to be flowing right in my life. I can accept the notion that someone is glad for my improvements. More like a "job well done" than a "hey you're looking hot" I guess is how I look at it.

If you were to see me now, I'm calm, peaceful, and at terms with the way things are. There is no need for closure with my grandmother. I think closure would imply I had to move on beyond her, and that is something I am not willing to do. I choose to carry her memory, her spirit, her love with me the rest of my days. Her body isn't with me, but her guiding love and her voice of hope and encouragement ring through my head and warm my soul. May she inspire in me the woman I know I can be.

I had a good cry 150.4

Today I went and met with the surgeon. Needless to say I blew him away with how much I've lost and at what commitment level I'm at with my weight loss. I'm down over 25 pounds now and that feels awesome. I'll find out soon if my paperwork gets approved and in as little as a week or two I could go under the knife. Yikes!

At One O'clock today, I had another very good counseling session. I had a good cry the last little bit of the meeting with my couselor. When I sat down, I told her how I've had mixed emotions for my birthday that's coming up Friday. I realize that I will not have a birthday card in the mail this year from my Grandma Burdick, and the last one I got from her, she sent from the hospital and told me how much she loved me and thanked me for saving her life. Yep, saving her life. I don't know how she came to that conclusion. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time, to catch her as she was falling towards the ground when her femur shattered. I was glad to be there and had I not been at her place, but in the same city, and knew that she had fallen, I would have never forgiven myself. Sometimes God works in silent ways, I suppose.

I realize I miss talking to her, incredibly. She was the person I could dream big with. When I told her I wanted to go to school for animation, her face lit up, and she said "that's wonderful Amy! You'll be great at it." I love her, still, and keep her memory alive as much as I can.

I don't think I want a birthday cake this year either. One more year maybe to remember that the last cake I had was 2 years ago. It was my 25th birthday and my Grandma baked it for me. She hadn't baked a cake in years and I knew the effort, the great effort it took for her to make that for me. It was more than just a cake from a box. It was years of love wrapped into a pretty little cake topped with a vintage plastic flower. In that moment, I never felt more incredibly loved in my whole life.

If I happen to get birthday money or cards, I really wanna go buy some paintbrushes and tubes of watercolors. I'm going to write the book that's been on the back burner for far too long, and dedicate it to the memory of my Grandmother.

The artistic blood that flowed through her veins, runs through my own. Thank you for such wonderful talents, grandma. Thank you for the encouragement, the love, the support all the years of my life. I can feel you around me more than ever. I wish I could call you and tell you what's going on, but somehow, I'm convinced that you hear me even when I say nothing at all.

I miss you.

Half serious about finding a laundry monster.

I'm on my 10th load in the washer today, and by the time I'm done, I'll have completed 11 loads today. Washed, dried, folded, put away! WHEW! The house is still quite clean and that is a relief.

Today the girls and I made a batch of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Faith had four. She was only supposed to have two, but she's a sneaky turd and helped herself...

I'm going to go watch Mansfield Park now. Needed a chick flick today. ;)

Dear One Footed Sock Monster,

Thank you for your interest in the socks of my family. Currently, we are not looking for new help since the last one footed sock monster refused to regurgitate socks that he ate. It took me over an hour and a half today to undo the aftermath of said previous employee and that was not delightful. Especially when my children decided to throw the singleton socks all over my newly cleaned master bedroom and send me on a hunt to find any remaining matches.

I do have one question. Why is it that you eat one of every pair so as to leave me with 15 purple socks, all of different shades. I know it's hard to believe that I could have purchased that many, but seriously, purple color can't taste that good. Take it easy on the next employer you get hired by.

With the divorce rates higher than ever, these socks really need their mates and I need my sanity. Thank you for your interest in my home, though. It's flattering, really! When I need a laundry reduction, I'll let you know.

In the mean time, I'm looking for an underwear eater! We're going through panties really fast here lately and I would just wish them away if I could. Potty training is fabulous, but I can't guarantee you won't get a special tootsie roll surprise.

*smile*
Slightly Less Disgruntled Homemaker/Mother,
Amy

I feel Terrible!!

Oh my goodness! I am sick! SICK!! ME!! This is TERRIBLE! I've not been sick in such a long time, I guess I was due my turn. I think it is a cold that's developing into something more, though won't know for certain until I see a doctor. Crap!

Other than that, Jason and I talked to Dr. Phil producers and might be in LA September 15th and 16th to tape a show on video game addiction. We'll see what pans out, I'll let you know!

Back to bed!

YIPES! I missed a day!

Wow. Not like me to miss, but I think that yesterday what pure chaos and I would have not had time to do anything, much less blogging. I had a sleep study Monday night with a C-PAP machine on. It was terrible! I am a stomach sleeper, and sleep with my mouth open, so how in the world is it going to work out for me? I tell you, IT'S NOT! The Darth Vader look does NOT suit me, and I cannot sleep unless medicated. I called the doctor today and told her no way in heck am I going to sleep with on of those things on, can I please try a mouth device? I hope to God, daily, she says sure.

Tuesday was a day of errands. I came home from the sleep study, exhausted, went back out to my counselor for a noon appointment, then came home again, and went back out to Meridian to another doctor to do a medication evlauation. We looped between Meridian and Boise twice yesterday. Suffice to say, I do not wish to visit Boise again... well, anytime soon that is.

As tired as I was, I wound up going back to sleep this morning until 9:40! Isn't that a shocker?! I was relieved to catch up on some sleep! I made the girls breakfast and we went out and about, again. Take Jason his lunch at work, drop off some formula stuff at Gretchens, stop at Target and get prescriptions, then come home. Nothing is ever in and out fast. Seriously. It takes ages and ages to get anything done with my two little ones in tow. I guess that's what we do to get things done, right?

I need to get to cleaning up my house, again. It gets undone as fast as it's done, so I stay busy that way. I have my surgeons appointment on Monday, and nerves are settling in. There is a hope that it goes really well and there's no real fight with the insurance. We will see though.

I'm sure to have something great to blog about tomorrow. :) I'm a good girl, I am!

:)

Proof of Progress

I took one picture this morning... and the other was at my heaviest 4 months ago-ish. It's startling to me to see such a drastic change, but awesome at the same time. To be able to post pictures like this is a huge thing for me. I've always been worried about my weight and what other people think, but now that I've decided that this is about me being better and not making anyone else proud but me, I'm okay with that. I'd relate this to climbing a myan pyramid and standing at the top of it, finally. It's taken me YEARS to be able to do this, but here I am world, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!