Friday, March 25, 2011
Sweet Relief
There has been so much chaos in my life - I pray for peace. Even for a moment of peace and seldom is that need met. However, my friend Gretchen and I made a trip to Boise to spend some time in the temple. Knowing the world is shut out and there is peace in plenty made such a difference in my day. I hope that there is more where that came from...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dying.
In my life, I have encountered many trials and obstacles, for which I have had to overcome. There is no such thing as lay down and die. Unless, that is, you didn't know it was happening to you.
Since my rape last July, life has been hard to hold together. The doctor (psychiatrist) had doubled the doses on some of my medications when I was crashing thinking they would help. I had been in his office before the assault, begging for a new medicine because it wasn't working. I felt terrible. He wound up treating my side effects as issues of depression, colds, etc. Not realizing my body was freaking out over the meds. So imagine those side effects doubled.
Fast forward to a month ago. I have been on that dose of medication for 7 months, just getting worse and worse. In a therapy appointment, thank GOD for Wendy, she had started to put the bits together of what I was feeling and what was happening within my body. She said it sounded like serotonin syndrome. She mentioned how I was taking twice the therapeutic level of dosing. The side effects and what not was just like poison.
I did the research on her diagnosis and freaked out. It was me, to a T! Funny thing, that about a week before her diagnosis, I had started paperwork to switch psychiatrists to the doctor I had seen in the past at St. Als center.
When I went to see him, it was pretty much... "Wendy was spot on, I'm surprised you're alive, and the level of meds you are on are indeed lethal." He reccomended I lose the night dose of my anti-depressant (a 60 mg dose of cymbalta) and give that a few weeks. Okay, I thought I could do that. The first night was HELL. I woke up shaking, trembling, seizing, sweating... it was horrific. I called their office that morning after talking to Wendy and they told me that I couldn't go off the meds that fast, the reliance my brain built up to the meds was more than he had thought - half my night dose to 30 mg, and take it from there. The withdrawal was, again, terrible. I seriously thought I was going to die.
I am now about two weeks out - and now my head feels like I am floating in outer space with the most gigantic appetite in the world. Insert EPIC WAIL!
It's all one day at a time for everything in life anyway. I just think today - and from here on out, it's going to be less than one day sometimes. From hour to hour, minute to minute or even accomplishing second to second is a win for me.
God is with me. God is with me. He won't leave me. I'm not alone
Since my rape last July, life has been hard to hold together. The doctor (psychiatrist) had doubled the doses on some of my medications when I was crashing thinking they would help. I had been in his office before the assault, begging for a new medicine because it wasn't working. I felt terrible. He wound up treating my side effects as issues of depression, colds, etc. Not realizing my body was freaking out over the meds. So imagine those side effects doubled.
Fast forward to a month ago. I have been on that dose of medication for 7 months, just getting worse and worse. In a therapy appointment, thank GOD for Wendy, she had started to put the bits together of what I was feeling and what was happening within my body. She said it sounded like serotonin syndrome. She mentioned how I was taking twice the therapeutic level of dosing. The side effects and what not was just like poison.
I did the research on her diagnosis and freaked out. It was me, to a T! Funny thing, that about a week before her diagnosis, I had started paperwork to switch psychiatrists to the doctor I had seen in the past at St. Als center.
When I went to see him, it was pretty much... "Wendy was spot on, I'm surprised you're alive, and the level of meds you are on are indeed lethal." He reccomended I lose the night dose of my anti-depressant (a 60 mg dose of cymbalta) and give that a few weeks. Okay, I thought I could do that. The first night was HELL. I woke up shaking, trembling, seizing, sweating... it was horrific. I called their office that morning after talking to Wendy and they told me that I couldn't go off the meds that fast, the reliance my brain built up to the meds was more than he had thought - half my night dose to 30 mg, and take it from there. The withdrawal was, again, terrible. I seriously thought I was going to die.
I am now about two weeks out - and now my head feels like I am floating in outer space with the most gigantic appetite in the world. Insert EPIC WAIL!
It's all one day at a time for everything in life anyway. I just think today - and from here on out, it's going to be less than one day sometimes. From hour to hour, minute to minute or even accomplishing second to second is a win for me.
God is with me. God is with me. He won't leave me. I'm not alone
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)