Things to Chew On

It was interesting today. So many things passed through my mind and I thought I needed a notepad to keep track of my thoughts, but I think I managed okay without it. A few things keep chewing at me so maybe if I get them out, they won't bother me so much?

I've learned that my spirit is affected by my mental and physical health. Now that I'm on a way to well being, I am more in tune with the little voice in my head than ever before. Kind of alarming at first, I guess cause I'm not used to all the noise, but I'm adjusting.

People struggle with all sorts of afflictions. It doesn't make me a better person or worse person to admit I've struggled, it just makes me aware and able to grow from it.

I'm getting closer to the date with my surgeon and there are things I am fearful about. When I talked to my counselor last week, she made sure that I understood the types of fear that we deal with. Fear because something is legitimately going to endanger us or cause us harm, or fear because it's the unknown, unfamiliar, or new territory. In this case, my fear for surgery is more the fear of the unknown.

The journey for weight loss, body health, mental health, has been a long road for me and I'm - for the first time in my life - finding clarity with it all. I know that I could struggle with genetics the rest of my life, or nip it in the bud and try to control this before it overcomes me and becomes ugly.

There is a fear that my friends might treat me different. To me, my friends are not about how skinny, fat, short or tall they are. I genuinely love people for who they are and what they bring to my life. I would be heartbroken to lose any of them over something like this. If they know me like I think they do, they'll know it won't change me on the inside or the way I feel about them. And I will root them on in life no matter how big or small their butt is...

After years of bad self talk and not feeling good enough to buy new clothes or be in family pictures, I think it's going to be difficult to adjust to my new found freedoms as it's unfamiliar to me. But this is something I look forward to.

At Goal!

Whooo! I made it to goal weight this morning! What an awesome thing! It felt soo goooooood to finally have progress! YAHOOO!

Jason and I are going to try to attend college together at Boise State. We'll see what happens with that... probably going to lose our minds doing it, but maybe there are classes we can take together? That would be cool.

I got my brows waxed today too. Not painful, but my skin is pink and I look kind of silly. It will look all good tomorrow!

It's the weekend! WHOOO!

My Big Girl Faith

A whooo hooo! Potty trained and ready to go! She did it herself though. About a week ago she decided she didn't want to wear diapers anymore, she wanted big girl panties. So I obliged. After figuring out her cues, she'd say, "mommy! I have to go potty!" "Run!" I exclaimed. She'd come back and report, "I went PEE PEE on the POTTY!!"

HOORAY! There's 40.00 back in our budget. I'm proud of my little girl. She's loving and appreciates the smallest things. Today she said she had to call Mandy to thank her for the birthday card we found two days later. She loved the card so much, so I got Mandy on the phone and she sure told her. Too cute!

I got my friend Gretchen in on the Twilight series. It's funny, because when I asked her today how they were going, she said "Oh, great! Bella decided she's undeniably in love with Edward!" I giggled. Neat to know she's enjoying them, and that I'm not the last one to know of them!

What else? Oh yes. Rex gets a new home today. Mandy is going to take him home. I think it will be hard on the kids at first, but we'll be able to visit him and what not. He needs a better place to be than with us here and Molly (other dog) bullying him around. It's gonna be best.

I have to get dinner ready for missionaries coming over at six tonight, so I am not sure when I'll be back to post.

Getting thinner!
WOOOOOOOOT!
Amy

Happy Birthday, dear Faith

It was about this same time, three years ago, I was getting ready to pop you out in three pushes. Never one to wait for anything, the delivery suits your personality my dear. Every day is an adventure with you, but I'm so proud to be your mommy. A look at the tiny, little Faith.

158.6 at the doc - and What Hell and Havoc Faith Unleashed

So, last night. *phew* Where do I start? Jason was doubling and so I had to fend for myself for the night, which apparently, in the wake of the aftermath, I did HORRIBLY!

While sleeping, Faith decided she would wake up at around 11:30 pm and go to the pantry. Why? What's in the pantry? Nothing more than shelves with stuff on it that are of no interest to kids, right? WRONG!!! She climbed to the top of the pantry, knocked off one of my old nail kit boxes. The proceeded to dump all the powders on the floor, and paint a berry colored mural on the floor. Yes, really.

But it doesn't stop there.

Attempt #2 must have been better. She succeeded to get TWO pairs of scissors down, and yet again, CHOP her hair off. Yes, really. Her right ear is now exposed and the only way to cover it up is to pull the 1" chunk she left in front of her ear behind it, and clippy it in place.

*rolls eyes*

If that were all, I'd be a disaster, but not the end, I survived a catastrophe.

She then dumped a one gallon container of organic bug spray on the floor of my pantry, painted the sprayer with the berry polish, and then painted a bottle with the red polish.

Yes, really.

But - That's not all.

She got into my "hands off it's mom's" crystal light... yes, she did, and dumped a container of it into one cup with a smidge of water in it and played with it between two cups total.

We're still not at the end. I'm sorry...

She then stole a package of my sugar free 70 calorie cookies, and ate them. I know this for certain because when she woke up this morning, the wrapper was underneath her body.

I know you're thinking... "not my sweet little Faith..." but really. She did ALL that, in a matter of no time at all. Who wants to borrow her? *giggles*

Also, I went to weigh in at the doctors this morning, before I went to the zoo and after a visit to Mandy's work (aka Faith's Hop-sital). I got on... with my shoes and all. 158.6!!! YA-HOOOO! I'm whittling away at this body I do not like. It's been hard, but it will be worth it. I didn't get fat overnight, so I can't expect it all to fall off fast.



But I ROCK! WHOOO!

Progress

I went back and read through some of my old blogs. Interesting to see how far I've come in 5 and a half weeks time, at least I think so. I'm down 17.8 pounds, medicated to happiness, or almost happiness, and trying to be a better me. 17.8 pounds is a lot for me. The most I've lost in ages... the feeling of some freedom and delight when I noticed my pants were fitting better and my clothes were getting loose. Delight!

I've been successful with not eating like I used to. Just cut way way way back and keep busy. Not like that's hard to do with my two terrors! GAH!

Slow and sure.

One foot in front of the other.

I wonder what tomorrow's weigh in will be? Hopeful for a down... though with aunt flow about a week and a half out, I can't be too sure of that just yet... :)

God made me special, and of that, I am certain. *grins* No one else like me!

Updated and LOVELY!

I went through and really gave my blog an overhaul. It was far overdue. I'm glad it's organized a bit now, and has more of my character splashed here and there in it.

Tomorrow night will be one of the worst nights ever. I have another sleep study to do, and this time, they're going to try to fit me with a sleeping device/face mask - so I look so incredibly hot to my husband... if only he were attracted to Darth Vader. I can't believe I'll have to try to make this thing work... but if I'm less crabby because I get better sleep - SO BE IT! I guess it could also be looked at as another form of birth control, huh?

*rolls eyes*

Um, what else? Oh! Like I was supposed to survive church today on my own!?! Really, the kids put on a huge show, chorus line and all when Jason doesn't go with me. I lasted through the first talk, barely and had to go. I couldn't take another minute of complaining, crying, whining, writhing on the floor, running away, etc. Seriously... where's the padded room at church? They need one!

I can't sit still. It's as if there is far too much to do, as always, and not enough time to do it.

Faith's birthday is Tuesday, and I'm not sure how lovely I will feel after my sleep study. Please God, not grumpy. I had enough childhood memories of grumpy grandparents at birthdays and holidays. I soooo don't want to be that person.

I want to have my kidneys checked out so I'm going to the hospital at 6 pm to see if they can run an x-ray and determine what the heck is going on with my bladder and kidney. I'm only concerned now because I've been in pretty bad pain, off and on, for like 6 months and recently started to pee orange. I know TMI - but it's likely there's blood in the urine, so damage somewhere I would suppose. Can't they just pass or something?

Oh yes, and for a good laugh. Today Jason gave me a "jason-ism". Jasonism: the act of paying a compliment in the manner of a strange statement.

DH: Wow! You can really tell how much weight you've lost when you're naked!
ME: *silence*
DH: I especially noticed it in your boobs, I actually noticed that first.
ME: *SMACK!* Why did you have to say that?!
DH: I don't know.

So in the sum of the above conversation, my husband is actually paying attention to my new body... He could have just said "You're looking awesome!" and I would have been totally happy... but - that's just Jason.

Reflections

I guess there are several different types of reflections, huh? I'd like to talk about two of them. The kind where you reflect on the past and see where you've been and "OMG how I survived THAT!" and the kind you see in the mirror.

Looking through old yearbooks, photos, letters, and other nonsense from days gone by tends to blow open the door of emotions. First and foremost, I thank GOD every day that I never have to live another moment of high school again. It was dreadful. Such an awkward time for me. Now looking at my senior pic, I come to realize that my image has not changed much, besides the "mom" body and some extra baggage *here and here and here* that will soon disappear if I have anything to say about it. I wonder why some people always look the same? Frustrating I know.

Then I go back and look at beauty school pictures. I remember being introduced to the first GAY man I ever met. Good Lord! I thought for sure gay men didn't get worse than him, but they do. However, I have a fabulous gay friend who I wouldn't trade for a Chanel purse... or anything at that matter. That was an interesting time for me. Life seemed easy, only because it was structured. The only thing that wasn't was emotion, mine and others.

Then I look back and it's been 8 months since my grandma passed. In my home, I have a painting of hers in my living room, which inspired my red couch, red and gold sheers and the theme for the room. I miss her incredibly, every day, and at times find myself holding the phone and wanting to dial her number.

Now, the reflection in the mirror. It's never been easy for me to accept who I am. I think when that hit, about 10 years old, it through me through a tailspin. I had eating disorders I hid pretty well, but I think had I not been diagnosed with ulcers, I wouldn't have had a way to cover up bulimia. I ran on cross-country teams to keep my weight down and toned up, but even at my lightest, all of like 97 pounds or so when I got home from bootcamp - where I had an eating disorder too... I wasn't pleased.

Then it hit me

Like a ton of bricks

"You need to see you the way I see you"

HUH!? Really?! But the more I thought about it, the more THAT comment mattered. How awesome to know that I've got potential to be great one day. That I've got good character and I genuinely LOVE people. I'd win a pageant for an inside contest... well maybe runner up - the celebrity gossip has to stop. As for the outside, it's coming along, one piece at a time. Each day I learn something new about myself.

The best so far - BE PATIENT!

And that is all my friends.

158.2 - I broke a record!

WHOO! I'm finally under 160... and I can't remember how long it's been since. I've gotta go get a present for Faith's birthday and get stuff to do her cake for her birthday... she's excited to turn 3.

I'll see what happens with the rest of the day.

:)

And the Doctor's Scale Said -

160.4!! (with jean capris, a cell phone in pocket and shoes on!!) I ROCK!! BING BING BING! I'm a winner of an appointment with Dr Anderson September 8th!! Apparently I've lost enough to get on the books to start paperwork submission for surgery! Hallelujah! Can you hear the chorus singing?! SINGING!!

They still want me to lose the last five, but the doctors office lady said she could see it in my face and pants that I was withering away! A WOOOT! Yes!

I went to the dietician on Monday and boy was that an eye opener! She told me more about myself than I had any idea of and really made things basic for me. I got lots of counseling and what not geared towards my after surgery eating and that was good too!

I'm excited but not ready to totally celebrate yet.

We'll see what happens now...

160.4 - Out for the day

I'll blog when I get home, far too busy to stop now! See ya!

161.8 What the doctor said....

I got to talk to a real doctor today about the results from my sleep study. Gosh, was I blown away. I had 7 episodes of Central Sleep Apnea and Upper Airway Resistance. I've found some research on them to help me understand, and as this will likely be my journal someday in the hands of family, I think it's important to document all aspects of health.

Central Sleep Apnea (CSA)
Central sleep apnea is a far rarer type of sleep apnea, which occurs when the brain signal that instructs the body to breathe is delayed. This central nervous system disorder can be caused by disease or injury involving the brainstem, such as a stroke, a brain tumor, a viral brain infection, or a chronic respiratory disease. People with CSA seldom snore, which makes it even harder to diagnose as they do not fit the “normal” profile of a sleep apnea sufferer. However, while the causes of the breathing cessation are different in CSA and OSA, the symptoms and results are much the same – a deprivation of oxygen and poor sleep due to repeated awakenings at night. The treatments for CSA include specific medications that stimulate the need to breathe and administration of oxygen.

Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome
During sleep the muscles of the airway become relaxed. The relaxation of these muscles in turn reduces the diameter of the airway. Typically, the airway of a UARS patient is already restricted or reduced in size, and this natural relaxation reduces the airway further. Therefore, breathing becomes labored. It can be likened to breathing through a coffee straw.

I've found that weight loss can improve both conditions but it's not guaranteed. I just know I'm done feeling like crap! I have another sleep study Monday... to try machines out. I don't think I can do it and just fret the idea of a machine. Claustrophobia!!

Good grief.

The doctor also told me I spend only 5% of my sleeping time in DEEP SLEEP! 15% in REM sleep and finally 76% in light sleep where I was recorded to have 473 disturbances! He said the most was 70 in one hour! NO WONDER I'M SO TIRED!

An end in sight, I hope. Just more stable upstairs, more weight gone downstairs, and health in the future? I'm tired of being worn out and not myself.

Dear Mandy,

Hey, so the whole world is going to see this, but, that's okay. I think that everyone can hear how wonderful you are and what you've meant to me.

Being welcomed the first day in Idaho was a pleasant surprise. I felt like I knew you when I saw you and it's obvious, from the way we clicked, that's the case. I don't know that many people can say that they can laugh, cry, and get along like we do. You're a rare find, my friend. For certain.

You are simply one of the most beautiful people I have met. Caring, compassionate, gossipy right along with me (in a good way) and willing to take a wild hair with you when you go places. That - right there - is AWESOME! My heart is happy having a friend like you to carry with me.

Thank you for all the times you've been there for me, for the beautiful cards (LOL) that you get me, the plant on my porch, for the trips to the ER when I've been miserable. Anytime I can be that good of a friend to you, please let me know. And when I've paid you back, I'm sure I'll still owe you.

Someday, when we're old and grey, we can laugh at our silliest times and probably wet our depends. But that's okay, we won't have to change those by then! WHOO! You are the best you I know, please, don't change! I love ya Mand!

Love - the short brown-haired - should be a tall blonde - Friend,
Amy

162.4 WHOOOHOOOHOOO!

So at the rate I'm currently going... I'll be a size 0 before the year is up! HA! Not that I'd want to be that skinny, but I'm sure on my way to a healthier weight! Validation!!

Jason is still hellbent on getting a minivan... I wish he would let it just rest already. It's frustrating and tiring to go to dealers, sit for hours and then be told that your car payment is going to be more than half your mortgage... seriously.

On another note... My migraine I had from yesterday since the dentist visit, finally broke today at around noon. That was a relief. The dentist bill for future work however, is not. I require about 400.00 in dental work and that, plainly, sucks!

Okay, so that's it for now...

164.4 - The Stones

And no, I don't meant the Rolling Stones... but you could sure give me shelter. Last night I didn't sleep much, perhaps, an hour here or there... but up at 5:45 to start the day. What did I do while the stone bothered me? I watched a chick flick, for the first time in AGES! Vanity Fair with Reese Witherspoon. Pretty good actually - hated the ending but good all in all.

As I sit here, I am reminded by my aching side that I better get some more fluids down - YAY! - NOT!!! - so I can pass this booger before I get to go to the dentist!! OH ANOTHER JOY!

Gah...

Hopefully the shower will help me feel a bit better and I'll be able to carry on. I'm supposed to go work in the cannery tonight, big bad ass volunteer style... probably shouldn't say bad ass in relation to what I'm doing but it suits the moment. I don't know if kidney will allow.

*sigh*

Aubrey is wailing at my door... I better make this quick.

Oh yes, one more thing. I was given a brilliant card last night... really. I got all weepy that someone would think of me, however, the inside turned the sentimental tears into that of uproarious (that's my word) laughter. The text reads "This is the best thing Herb, You push this button, a bell rings - an out pops a snack!"

It's two bears on the cover of the card, outside a house!!

It's good!

Okay - gotta go! I have to leave here in two hours or so!

And I thank you God, for modern medicine...

I went to see a really great psychiatrist the other day. Thank the good Lord above I found him. It felt like the first time in ages, someone in the medical field really really listened to me. FOR ONCE! My doc seemed compassionate and really asked the right questions to get to the root of my evil brain.

So, he prescribed Prozac which will help with the depression, eating disorder issues from ages ago that haunt me, and possible OCD though he doesn't think I have it. Then he gave me a 'scrpit for Phentermine to help make the Prozac work better and to curb appetite. And boy does it work. I ate a graham cracker and a pudding today. That's it. And I have no desire to eat. Food problem solved.

WOOT!

So, I also got my flower bed completed. I bought two more bags of recycled rubber chips instead of wood mulch and it really sets a beautiful tone for my front yard.

And I also want to thank you God, for the best friends, a great place to live, and the sleep I had last night.

~AMEN!~

Look at what I did!!!

164.8 I forgot to post...

Gosh - I keep forgetting my weight... HA!

So I went to the new congregation today... yeah, don't like it so much. It doesn't have the oldies but goodies in it... hard to feel comfortable there.

On the other hand, I've been busy promoting my favorite band here in the states and it's a lot of work. I hope it pays off in the end.

I had something really clever to blog about and then forgot... GOSH!

I found a few good quotes.

A friend is one before whom I may think aloud. - Ernest Hemmingway

That must mean if you're reading this, you're a friend, because all I ever do on my blog is think aloud!

When you're up, you're down

Today was a roller coaster day, to say the least.

Jason and I got along alright for the most part of the day. Then when he called from work about the pups, he flew off the handle when he heard I was going to let Mandy have Rex for MerryHappyHaunakkaKwanzahah for a good while. But that wasn't good enough... I don't get it. So I suggested he go sit outside D&B Supply with the pups tomorrow... Oh man, did that hit some holier than thou nerve. He's too good to go sit and do that. So again, I'm going tomorrow - to meet with someone interested in one of the pups and I will not leave until they're both GONE!

I feel like sometimes his impulses are what drives him... not the rational train of thought that occurs to me only, I suppose.

*I'm losing sleep over this!* Flushing money away is never fun... especially $300+ dollars worth of dogs I never wanted int he first place. Is this really what I get for saving dogs lives? Sheesh...

I can't wait for the psych appointment Monday. My one underlying hope is that he medicates me beyond oblivion so I really can't care much anymore... I'm tired of being let down. Seriously.

GAH!

Okay.

Breathe

Breathe

Off to bed

Wierd Luck

It's no joke that I have some of the strangest luck on the planet. For example. I wrote Stephenie Meyer a personal email (through myspace) about some music I like that sounds like her playlists. What happens? A song I reccomended "Wolf Like Me" by TV on the Radio - get selected for a playlist suggestion from a fan... REALLY... Check it out.

Then, I've had UFC fighter Roger Huerta email me back...

I had Jason's truck done on Pimp My Ride - after I applied for the show for him...

I got to meet and greet Daughtry at their first venue ever at the Viper Room in LA...

Snow Patrol backstage meet and greet - the ONLY one to get pictures with Gary Lightbody (my sister and I)

Met a lot of UFC fighters, but Randy Couture - who is hard to be photo'd with - I got a picture with him!...

Need I go on?

And now, I'm starting footwork for one of my favorite bands who's not yet known in the states, much less on the radio here... The guys are amazing. The real deal. So, I thought I'd do what I can to get them some exposure in the media market here. I got approval to make a shirt for them - that I can wear! - and they asked me to send them to them once mine is done! HA! Also, I'm going to be emailed earlier demos of their songs! WHAT?! I know... I'm the coolest person on the planet. *pop* my ego bubble.

But - the thing is with my luck... I'm never afraid to put myself out there or try. I am passionate about certain things and have no fear being told no or to bugger off. So I give it all a go!

Here's the song plans... melt away with me!

I owe a blog...

Today, *sigh* was a sad, depressing day.

Yelo was returned to Macy - his other mother - as he nipped Aubrey on the nose. I think he's had enough of little ones and prefers the home of a much less noisy and in your face place. So long to my good friend... be happy!

Then, we thought someone was coming for a puppy today. They decided they didn't like Molly and left... For real. This is getting old and I'd really not like to be out all sorts of money saving animals! SAVE ME FIRST!

Gosh

So tonight Mandy came over, I did her fill and while we chatted, she said she'd be going out. I offered to do her hair for her... she obliged... or humored me. I told her it was like catching up on the high school stuff we missed out on...

Oh, yes... I did her makeup too... it was FIERCE. pretty strong for her... but it looked good...

*sigh*

What a day...

Off to my boring bed... to be bored tonight. And lonely.

Crazy 8's - I think?!

Thanks Amy - The Other Other Amy

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. lap-band surgery
2. reading good books
3. perezhilton.com - I have to quit, I know
4. organizing
5. finding meaningful employment
6. being a good mother
7. remembering my grandma every day
8. drawing

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
1. Raising Baby Green - by Dr Greene
2. Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4. The Chronicles of Narnia
5. Indian in the Cupboard
6. Love Languages
7. Cut the Clutter and Stow the Stuff
8. I like the New Testament

8 Words/Phrases I say often
1. !!Are you kidding me?!?!?
2. What the ----!!!
3. Absolutely NOT!
4. Is that with all your discounts? (I'm car shopping here lately)
5. Did you brush your teeth - TODAY?!
6. When are you coming home?
7. I love you
8. Bye!

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. Go on a mission with Jason
2. Get my lap-band surgery
3. See my kids be anything BUT losers...
4. not feel guilty for eating sweets
5. run a marathon
6. love myself
7. have a job with prestige
8. Finish my book

8 things I've learned this past year
1. House buying SUCKS!
2. Car buying sucks
3. Shopping with all three maniac children sucks
4. Sleep Studies SUCK
5. I can lose weight eating chicken and salads only
6. Idaho is perfect for me
7. I miss Disneyland incredibly
8. I'm okay being me here...

8 places I want to see:
1. Ireland
2. Hawaii
3. Alaska
4. Washington DC
5. New Zealand
6. Fiji
7. Italy
8. Egypt

8 Things I currently want
1. lap band procedure to go through
2. work comp case to settle already!
3. 10 pounds lighter immediately
4. more "me" time
5. brownies...
6. a job
7. sanity
8. to visit my grandmas gravesite

8 people I want to tag:
anybody else read this that has a blog... I guess..?

Not Feeling Well....

I'm so exhausted and not feeling well... Faith too. I think we may have a weaker form of the flu that sounds like it's been going around. I hope I'm back to myself and blogging again soon

Loves!

7 Years With Bubble Gum Is B-Freaking S!!

Okay - I forgot to weigh in today... but with the ultimate crabby - bitc#y woman that's coming out... I think I'm gonna start soon and my weight might be up a smidge. But I'm still good at eating vegetables and resisting the stupid junk food.

Back to the bubblegum myth! We solved it! Faith chomped down nearly an entire pack of my new Stride gum I bought for the day of the interview, and guess what today? Her crap smelled like CRAP - but with a hint of minty freshness.... GAG! So - gum does NOT stay lodged in your system forever!!

I'm going to a midnight release party for my book! Breaking Dawn is due out at midnight and I've got my reserved copy gift card ready to go! I can't even tell you how excited I am to get the last book! I'm getting semi-dragged out for the evening. How often do you get to go hang out and have fun just being yourself?!

I know... me too...

I forgot what I was going to write about... I suck!

Oh well, I'll write tomorrow once I finished my book! Yep!

See ya!