Farewell, my friend...

So, I got a call while I was at the doctors office yesterday in the waiting room, from my friend MarQuis. He called to let me know he was leaving Boise and headed to LA to take care of his grandmother. I don't know that anyone might be able to sympathize with him more as I helped to take care of mine. What he is headed for is such a labor of love.

I went to meet him at the mall today, to talk and get a soda. He was so happy to see me looking so well, and I had just seen him about 2 months ago. MarQuis said he noticed a glow about me, some sort of inner peace... oh yes, and that 25 pounds was gone. But to know that I have had such an awesome change in myself in such a short amount of time, it's huge to me.

I've been fighting to feel like my spirit and body exist together. I felt like a body going through the motions every day, tuned out to my feelings and inner thoughts. The sound of my inner voice now is sometimes deafening in my head.

I cried today on the way to the mall, but not for long. I stopped my thoughts for a moment on the missing my friend part, and thought really what was at the core of this feeling. When I looked at it like I'm not losing him or his friendship, it's just the ability to talk to someones face and read their body language, or get that hug that makes you feel like you're going to be okay, then the pain wasn't so bad. But the heart still hurts when a friend isn't so close. It was almost like re-opening the goodbyes from when I left California.

The compliments paid to me today, for the first time in ages, were accepted. I've never really been able to accept them or say thank you for them, but I know how hard I've worked for my inner peace and for the "chi" to be flowing right in my life. I can accept the notion that someone is glad for my improvements. More like a "job well done" than a "hey you're looking hot" I guess is how I look at it.

If you were to see me now, I'm calm, peaceful, and at terms with the way things are. There is no need for closure with my grandmother. I think closure would imply I had to move on beyond her, and that is something I am not willing to do. I choose to carry her memory, her spirit, her love with me the rest of my days. Her body isn't with me, but her guiding love and her voice of hope and encouragement ring through my head and warm my soul. May she inspire in me the woman I know I can be.