My thoughts are in a swirling space right now. Some nonsense, some total sense. Part logic, all heart. It's as if I'm writing my own story to Amy in Wonderland. The deeper I go into my life, I can't help but reflect on it and say... "curiouser and curiouser"
I'm kind of in this really strange inbetween spot. I do not like where I am, but I do. I love my job, just hate the fact that I look around and see things I cannot have. Is it because I lack the ability, talent, drive, looks....? No. I hate where I live, but I love it.
I want my house back. It's been the last thought on my mind for several days. Just, why can't I get that back... what if... I know of bad people able to keep houses, why can't a good person keep hers?
What the heck, really.
There are days I want to scream and cry and get angry for the unjust things that have happened to me. The times I have felt utterly unimportant to 99% of the world, for the times I have fallen between the cracks, for the lack of clarity of thought... But what good would that do?
I was reminded recently that I need to have gratitude. So while the house I live in isn't the house I built... It's a house and not a cardboard box. I hate my stomach with my lap band, but at least it's not a colostomy bag. I hate my vision and the headaches I get, but I'm glad I have eyes to see the faces of my beautiful children.
Perchance, I'll earn a beautiful reward for enduring to the end... until then, I will continue to polish my lump of coal.
I don't want to immediately look like a spammer...but the films Zeitgeist: Addendum and Money as Debt explain how it's a mathematical inevitability for this to happen, akin to music chairs. I know those are loaded words, but if you have the time to watch Addendum you won't regret it.
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