No Wind In My Sails

So the last 6 months or so, have probably been the most trying times in my life.

I've gone into the hospital twice, once voluntary the other involuntary.

Gone through the steps of divorce, to find out it's better to wait it out.

Having your health fail you... for surgery not to be as productive as I had hoped and dreamed.

Get the forclosure proceedings notice in the mail to now know one of your dreams is literally being taken from you unless an act of God can save it.

Feeling like there's a snake in the grass somewhere in my facebook account who's misinterpreting things and telling the church leaders I'm no good.

Got a job, lost a job. When there are people at the job I got "let go" from who HATE their job, sleep on the job, complain about their job, work slowly, one who didn't call in everyday to report their illness get to KEEP their job.....

And then yesterday, to be released of my job as a Sunday School teacher. The last motivation on the planet to get out of bed on Sunday. Yeap. The straw that broke the camels back.

I went to bed at 7 last night, just emotionally worn out from the days events, only to be reminded of how much absolute crap I've lived through here lately. I used to think I was a testament of survival... but no. Not anymore. Just getting by, barely I suppose.

I can't begin to express how much I loved the girls I taught in my class. The Sundays I was sick or the kids were sick and couldn't go, I missed them. It was what I had to look forward to once a week. Now, there's no job for me to do... so I'll just blend in with the wallpaper.

I keep trying to tell myself that perhaps it's a break for me, to worry about me. But I can't seem to rationalize that. Because if God really knew me, I'd be teaching somewhere else, in some capacity. That I'd have some purpose to go to church, to torture myself as a single parent with three children who make the biggest embarassment out of me because I have a hard time with them behaving. I just don't see it...

Rocked to your core, wind pulled from your sails, letting go of the last possible way out of the quicksand.... whatever you want to call it...

I give up for now.

*raises my white flag*

I believe whole-hearteldy in karma. I've seen it in action. How could I have done so much in my last 6 months of life to really be tested to this level? To have so much just.... taken?

I know I'm a good person at my core...

God, please... send a lifeline. I'm sinking again, and I seriously don't know how to swim. I'm tired from trying.... tired of crying.... tired of failure.