Normally I wouldn't share stuff like this with the whole wide world, but to prove I'm human and I struggle more than I let on... here's the conversations I've been having lately with an old friend.
Ana: Hey, Amy, I see you're gaining weight again? Didn't you go get "fat girl surgery" to fix it?
Me: I did, and yes, I'm gaining again, but...
Ana: Well, you know what they say, you're not in control until you're in control. I can't belive you ate three bowls of cereal today! Do you want to be a diabetic cow? My GAWD! You look like you're a half ton woman now!
Me: Shut up! I'm more than twenty pounds lighter than I was last July - and I'm doing okay for now. Things are still sorting out.
Ana: Well, your toothbrush is always an option for control.
Me: I don't feel like I need to use my toothbrush. I've got kids and they're watching me. I can't let you talk me into this again.
Ana: I'm just saying... with all this you're gaining...
Me: I know, I know. I will get it off. My bike arrives Friday. I'll start pedaling away on that....
Ana: Yeah, for three days and then you won't touch it again. Come on... who are you kidding?
Me: I'm gonna do this right this time, I have to prove that I can do this... without you!
Ana: I'm the easy way out, Amy. I always have been. Next time you are serious about losing weight, I'm never farther than a thought away.
I know that. I know that my eating disorder has been haunting me more than usual this last month, and moreso the last two weeks. Binging and regretting food, crying over lack of control, and fighting the urge to cram a toothbrush down my throat to make it all go away. Sometimes I feel like that's the only way to silence her. I've named the suave talking temptress Ana - after Anorexic - one of two eating disorders of my past.
I am here, telling the world, I am fighting back. I am going to win this fight. One minute at a time sometimes is all I can manage to fight, but it's one minute won. I am not the half ton woman I see in the mirror... I cannot be replaced, there would never be another person strange enough to fill my shoes. I will win this fight. The battle is over for now, but the war rages on.
I have won, for now.
I will win, tomorrow.
I have to fight, forever...
I am alive and present... feeling the very real things I hate about my past.
I am ME.
Holy smokes, friend! You're beautiful no matter how big, small, short or tall you are! Remember that you are super loved, k?
ReplyDeleteUntill you like/love yourself reguardless of your weight you will be fighting this demon.
ReplyDeleteLet me ask you this...if your daughters were the weight you are now after 3 kids would you still love them? I know your answer would be YES!! They are your children, your princesses, your lovies! Think now what Heavenly Father feels about you! You are litteraly a Daughter of a King! No matter what you weigh, or look like. But he does care how you treat your self and love your self! You are teaching your children how to feel about themselves! My mom always hated herself, hated her weight and put value on herself only when she liked her weight. When I was in college I lost 15 lbs, I only weighed 130 before I lost the weight,, and I am 5'8" tall! I didn't need to lose weight! But my mom kept going on and on about how great I looked since I lost weight. Well anyone living off of cake mix for a week would lose weight too! Now as an adult trying to deal with my own weight issues, I try to remember my mom was so unhappy. Not just about her weight. And I am beautiful no matter what! I need to live healthy but having 5 kids in 8 years does a number on ones body and it takes time to lose weight and get the skin bags to get smaller! I DO NOT want my girls to place their value on thier weight! I also don't want my boys to place the value of a woman and a girl on her weight!
I hope you know you are loved by your family and friends, but especially by our Heavenly Father, turn to him. He hears you and wants to help and heal you! I know we didn't get to know each other well when you were in 3rd ward, and I hope you don't mind my posting on here. Also know I am not preaching!! Each day is a struggle, but I just keep on taking one day and one goal at a time! Mine is 5lbs by March 1st. It may not happen. But I am still a success because I am trying!! And so are you!! Don't give in to Ane! You are of value, she is NOT!!