Oh wow, I just had an epiphany moment! It was wonderful. As soon as I wrote a sentence in an email, the thouhts just started flowing into what could be a book... FABULOUS!
The statement I made was:
"We all carry our bag of rocks. I hope someday to be rid of them, even if it's just one pebble at a time."
Then my wheels started turning, and it was like...
"Sometimes the pebbles we carry are those we carry for someone else, or think we need to carry for someone other than ourselves. I think I've held on to a lot of my rocks because even though they weigh me down, it's like, I am protected by carrying them... I'm less penetrable. It all goes back to that theory I had about building a brick wall. I think I'm beyond the brick wall of fortitude and want to keep moving forward, so I take some of my defenses and boundaries with me, and until I'm ready to let them go, I'll carry them!"
AH HA! It was my AH-HA! moment I've been waiting for. I think part of the reason I'm so chubby is partly due to genetics, but more so, I've never given myself permission to get hot again. I talk about it a lot but I don't believe it... I don't believe I deserve it. I don't know what I'm punishing myself for, I really don't but it's - gosh, I dunno... tragic I suppose. Maybe I fear the attention I used to get will bleed over to now, or that I won't feel comfortable being the "ideal" me.
Other things, just kinda get me at times, and I'm grateful for my online blog as I lost my last digital journal and it made me rather upset. Hopefully one day, I'll be able to figure this mess of rocks out and let them go. Cast them back into the ocean and be free to walk the sand where the traces of a past I don't want to remember can be left behind.
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