Can't A Mother Shower Anymore?!?!

GAH!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

It's been two days, TWO FLIPPIN' DAYS since I last showered. Gross, I know, but I'm in the middle of some funk here lately. I'm feeling OCD about cleaning and getting organized, it's starting to take control of my life. Seriously. I'm moving things around, I've organized my pantry like 5 times since moving here, I shuffle furniture often, I alphabetically organize my DVD's, I can't stand filth on my floor...

WHO IS THIS PERSON?!

Where is the laid back Amy I knew? I think that there's something internally I am fighting. I don't know. I am struggling with the idea of owning a home. I'm a bit frightened. I don't want to get in a home and realize I can't afford the utilities... We are building a whopper.

We have to save 2,500 before we can buy, I've already opened a 401K for Jason, and then we have to pay down a credit card like 2K AND all that and then some.... It's so difficult to buy these days with the market crash crap.

I'm still waiting for my work comp case to settle. It's taking forever. Hopefully by next Friday, I'll have a percent of disability, and then a settlement amount... I am hoping for some money back to help furnish our new home and some to chock away for savings and some to pay off bills....

I feel like I am out of touch with myself lately. I've been failing at Weight Watchers for over a year now... not sure that It's the program for me. I was told by a few doctors, that what I've been doing has staved off the 250 pound woman I could be because of genetics. *grumble*

I've admitted for the first time to a medical professional that I had an eating disorder through some of junior high and most of high school. Whenever I lacked control, I quit eating stuff... I was particular about what I ate. Most of the time it was potato buds, ramen (no broth), yogurt, bananas, and rice cakes. Now that I am an adult, instead of using food to control what I can't... I clean. I can control what's clean around here and what isn't.

Hopefully, my insurance approves me for lap-banding. I can't get any bigger. I feel embarassing the size I am now. I am still crushed from the time I was called fat by a friend of Grace's. It crushed me. I think that's what started the paperwork in the first place for this surgery.

*sigh*

Besides that, I love Idaho. I have great friends here and I finally feel "okay" with where I live. I'm not afraid of crime, gangs, etc. Hopefully this can stay that way.

/end rant