Oyster crackers and sips of odd water...

I'm laying in bed feeling defeated. Slowly munching on oyster crackers because that's about all I can eat at the moment and sipping on a 40 ounce flask of 4 ounces of apple juice, a teaspoon of lemon juice and a chunk of ginger. Kinda gross - but it's what I needed.

I've been retching since ohhhhh... 11pm and it's not my favorite thing. I actually weep about it pretty often. The exhaustion that comes from HG is real. I'm tired and ready for this to be over. There's  about four hours until peak nausea goes away.  Then I can sleep. Oh and I did take my meds. They don't seem to work anymore.

It's hard when depression isn't treatable while pregnant. The meds I would like to take are not safe. I'm currently on Zoloft - but it's not doing much.  The HG makes the depression compound and feel so much heavier that I often don't feel like doing anything. So I try to envision my little baby, laying on my chest in a diaper and rubbing my fingers down their back as they sleep. Trying to remember what that fresh new baby smells like, to give me a reminder that it's worth it. Because ultimately - all of this will be worth the loss of sleep for the next three years - plus.

Through it all, I am humbled though....

I have friends fighting cancer, grieving death, single parenting it, losing jobs... and I remember to be grateful that things aren't worse for me. This is pretty awful but it could be worse.

I prayed for friends and family tonight, by name, because I believe prayers are heard. I prayed for hearts to be lifted, for angels to minister, for comfort to come, for strength in times of trial... and I prayed for patience that I might endure this, with grace.

Until next time.

Anguish and Ramblings

Tonight as I was getting into bed for the night, I was grateful I had remembered to take my Phenergan (for nausea/vomiting) and hopefully drift into sleep.  Two hours later, I'm crying and dry heaving my guts up again.  Normally I'm not a complainer, I try to see the bright side of life and make the most of it - but I'm tired of throwing up.  It's mentally, emotionally, and physically taking it's toll on me.  I've tried joining support groups for it, but it's not that helpful.

This is awfully isolating...

So here I sit, drinking my ginger beer (non-alcoholic) trying to use that to settle my stomach.  The tears that want to run and burn down my cheeks are being held back.  I'm sure I could love a baby just as much as I love my three children if I didn't have to throw up this much.  I just keep hoping that one day, this all is worth it.

This is my last time being pregnant, ever.  I was hoping to enjoy it and that it would be different, but it doesn't look that way.

My waist is expanding and I'm in maternity jeans because they're more comfortable... and my LuLa Roe leggings.  Thanks Sarah!  I've gained back one pound of the three I lost, and I'm holding.