I'm laying in bed feeling defeated. Slowly munching on oyster crackers because that's about all I can eat at the moment and sipping on a 40 ounce flask of 4 ounces of apple juice, a teaspoon of lemon juice and a chunk of ginger. Kinda gross - but it's what I needed.
I've been retching since ohhhhh... 11pm and it's not my favorite thing. I actually weep about it pretty often. The exhaustion that comes from HG is real. I'm tired and ready for this to be over. There's about four hours until peak nausea goes away. Then I can sleep. Oh and I did take my meds. They don't seem to work anymore.
It's hard when depression isn't treatable while pregnant. The meds I would like to take are not safe. I'm currently on Zoloft - but it's not doing much. The HG makes the depression compound and feel so much heavier that I often don't feel like doing anything. So I try to envision my little baby, laying on my chest in a diaper and rubbing my fingers down their back as they sleep. Trying to remember what that fresh new baby smells like, to give me a reminder that it's worth it. Because ultimately - all of this will be worth the loss of sleep for the next three years - plus.
Through it all, I am humbled though....
I have friends fighting cancer, grieving death, single parenting it, losing jobs... and I remember to be grateful that things aren't worse for me. This is pretty awful but it could be worse.
I prayed for friends and family tonight, by name, because I believe prayers are heard. I prayed for hearts to be lifted, for angels to minister, for comfort to come, for strength in times of trial... and I prayed for patience that I might endure this, with grace.
Until next time.
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