Can't A Mother Shower Anymore?!?!

GAH!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

It's been two days, TWO FLIPPIN' DAYS since I last showered. Gross, I know, but I'm in the middle of some funk here lately. I'm feeling OCD about cleaning and getting organized, it's starting to take control of my life. Seriously. I'm moving things around, I've organized my pantry like 5 times since moving here, I shuffle furniture often, I alphabetically organize my DVD's, I can't stand filth on my floor...

WHO IS THIS PERSON?!

Where is the laid back Amy I knew? I think that there's something internally I am fighting. I don't know. I am struggling with the idea of owning a home. I'm a bit frightened. I don't want to get in a home and realize I can't afford the utilities... We are building a whopper.

We have to save 2,500 before we can buy, I've already opened a 401K for Jason, and then we have to pay down a credit card like 2K AND all that and then some.... It's so difficult to buy these days with the market crash crap.

I'm still waiting for my work comp case to settle. It's taking forever. Hopefully by next Friday, I'll have a percent of disability, and then a settlement amount... I am hoping for some money back to help furnish our new home and some to chock away for savings and some to pay off bills....

I feel like I am out of touch with myself lately. I've been failing at Weight Watchers for over a year now... not sure that It's the program for me. I was told by a few doctors, that what I've been doing has staved off the 250 pound woman I could be because of genetics. *grumble*

I've admitted for the first time to a medical professional that I had an eating disorder through some of junior high and most of high school. Whenever I lacked control, I quit eating stuff... I was particular about what I ate. Most of the time it was potato buds, ramen (no broth), yogurt, bananas, and rice cakes. Now that I am an adult, instead of using food to control what I can't... I clean. I can control what's clean around here and what isn't.

Hopefully, my insurance approves me for lap-banding. I can't get any bigger. I feel embarassing the size I am now. I am still crushed from the time I was called fat by a friend of Grace's. It crushed me. I think that's what started the paperwork in the first place for this surgery.

*sigh*

Besides that, I love Idaho. I have great friends here and I finally feel "okay" with where I live. I'm not afraid of crime, gangs, etc. Hopefully this can stay that way.

/end rant

Dear Grandma,

I know you're gone, and you won't read this, but I wanted to get it out so maybe I could sleep at night.

I miss you incredibly. There are things that go on during the day that I wish I could call and tell you about. The girls see your picture and you're still very much alive to them. I'll explain all the afterlife chit-chat a bit later, but for me, and them, for now, it's okay that you are alive in their memory.

I don't think that I ever had the door closed that I needed.

When I left California, I knew when I hugged you, stroked your hair, and kissed you, it would be the last time I would do so. Two weeks would pass before your last breaths were taken and you were able to go home.

I remember still, all the nights I spent with you, watching you so mom could sleep. I hated to tell you that you couldn't get up and that you weren't well, because you swore you were. I felt like I was bothering you sometimes by sitting and watching you so you didn't get out of bed... but I loved you and didn't want you hurt.

I can't tell you how neat it was for me to be able to buff your nails for you and polish them three days before I left. I know you got buried with the polish I left on your nails... How you were so proud of me for that, something that simple...

I was a champion in everything I succeded or failed in. You just had this way, this demeanor, whatever it was we did, it was awesome.

I always felt like I was your favorite, but I am sure everyone felt like that. How you made everyone feel so special because you never forgot one birthday, you never forgot holidays, and how you cherished the home made gifts and pictures we made for you. It could have been Picasso worthy the way you praised us.

I think, Grandma, I'm going to miss the cards in the mail, on time, signed "Love Grandma Burdick" the most. You don't know this, and I never told you because I didn't want you to feel bad for me, but the 25th birthday cake you made me, is the last birthday cake I had... and I want it to stay that way. I felt so special that day, so loved, so important....

Daily, I sit and wonder if I'm going to make you proud. If you're proud of me watching over me. Even when I was pregnant before I got married, it wasn't as horrible to you as the rest of the world saw it, at least you didn't let on to it. Never did I feel rejected.

Jason spoke of you out of the blue a few nights ago in bed. He said "You know, Grandma Burdick never said a bad thing about anyone... she was always so happy for you. You could tell her you were starting a dog crap collection and she'd find the bright side of it!" So true Grandma, so true.

I hope the honor paid to you in giving your name as Aubrey's middle name is some token of my love I have for you, and a hope that the legacy you left behind can be carried in our hearts forever.

I sit and weep, though I know you're not really dead, your body is just gone for a while.

On bad days, I tell myself that you're still around, it's just not the usual 2-3 months until I drive to Vegas to see you... I hope, when I get the chance, I can visit where your ashes are laid and make some peace with the sadness I feel.

I know you're experiencing joy to the greatest degree. Your sisters, your husband, they're all with you now. Make sure you don't forget about me... and if I am too proud to ask for help, maybe you could nudge God and tell him to remind me, or send some hidden blessing to remind me I'm not alone.

I feel alone, but I'll see you soon.

I love you so much.

I miss you.

Until we meet again...

All my love,
Amy

PS - if you still want to throw my housewarming party, I'd love for you to be there once it's finished. I'm dedicating a wall to your art. Stop by sometime and stay a while.

Here's some lyrics that ring true to my grandma

OneRepublic ** All We Are

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong

Black and white didn't fit you and all along,

You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything

That I need just to make it and I could see it.

Lord knows I've failed you, time and again but you and me are alright

We won't say our goodbyes you know it's better that way

We won't break, we won't die

It's just a moment of change

All we are, all we are, is everything that's right

All we need, all we need, a lovers alibi - yeah

I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would've fit

I figured there's nothing to lose I need to get

Some perspective on these words before I write them down

You're an island and my ship is running ground

The Lord know's I've failed you, time and again but you and me are alright

Yeah,

We won't say our goodbyes you know its better that way

We won't break, we won't die

It's just a moment of change

All we are, all we are, is everything that's right

All we need all we need, a lovers alibi

Every single day that I can breathe, you changed my philosophy

I'm never gonna let you pass me by

So don't say your goodbyes you know its better that way

We won't break, we won't die

It's just a moment of change - yeah...oooohhhhh[x2]

All we are, all we are, is everything that's right

All we need, all we need, a lovers alibi - yeah ...ooooh

So don't say your goodbyes you know its better

We won't break, we won't die

ooohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh...