Creation and Control

Here I write, the wee hours of the morning, because my brain is noisy and won't shut up... and because I am fighting the urge to start another craft. Creating things keeps my mind busy and my sanity is helped. It's my "drug", my therapy when I don't have an appointment on my counselors couch, and a positive outlet to express myself.

I feel like I have needed to say this for the longest time, but felt like I would be judged, looked down upon, and feel vulnerable. However, people who would do such things can remove themselves from my facebook page after they read this if they are offended or don't believe me.

The reason I have been crafting so much is because it helps me cope with my PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) PTSD is what Iraqi war vets have from being through traumatic experiences that effect the way that they live. I have survived the most traumatic thing I can think of (besides watching my kids suffer or die). Let me briefly explain.

This last July, I was the target and ultimately a victim of a rape. The person was known to me, but not known well. He had done his research on me, and through words of others, found I lived alone with the girls most of the time, when I worked, and where I lived. This nearly 40 year old, fat, bald man took me as his victim, and I'm certain I am not the first. Yes, I did file a police report and had the rape kit done at the hospital which was HUMILIATION at it's finest. Yes, the police took my clothing for forensic testing as well, and even attempted to take my bedding but it wouldn't fit in his bag. The detective asked me to place a bait call to see if I could get him to admit it, and he denied it, said it was consensual - with what sounded like pre-rehearsed dialogue. The sex crimes specialist said she didn't think there was enough there to prosecute with and that prosecution wouldn't take the case. Even though the rape kit was positive, the doctors report showed her findings of trauma, and my clothing had his DNA. She also told me "it's like going into war with a pistol and two bullets. The odds aren't good that we would even win, so why go through it" Translation - law fails as there isn't enough funding or verbal admitting of his crime.

So, since then, I have been living on medication that keeps me semi-put together. I put on a face of all is pretty much okay so the world doesn't know I'm falling apart inside, because I am. This has impacted my life to the point that it doesn't allow me to sleep, I have anxiety when going into public places for fear of running into him, and I have a hard time returning to work as that's where my assaulter found out about me.

This brings me to the reason for all my crafting. I cannot control everything in my life at the moment nor do I know how. My emotions run deep and are sometimes painful. The flashbacks still happen at random times or while sleeping, so I don't sleep. However, I can control what I create, and put my heart, soul and lots of love into each piece I touch. It bears joy of my creation, relief of some of the grief I have endured, and commitment to finish what I start.

So for those of you I crafted for, will craft for, or yet to craft for... I thank you for allowing me to work on something for you. It means a lot to me.

Ultimately a survivor, not a victim,
~Amy