Generally Emotional Today

It's been a rollercoaster day. As with most women, the hormone influxes are just unbearable for me at times and best controlled with Ativan. I won't lie. I feel like a monster inside sometimes and can hear the rational side of me hollering right back at it. I've moved several - and I mean several times in less than a year. We are in our 4th an final home - for hopefully the next 10 years or so - and I am trying to reteach myself that it's okay to rest, relax and unpack.

I've lived much of my life - married life - out of boxes. I knew I'd never be in one place for long, and to finally set down roots is frightening to me. It's a commitment to my marriage because Lord knows I don't want to carry a house on my own... I can't - and it's a commitment to being whole again.

The trip has been hard and shaky for me, to get to this point. I finally realize a lot of the things that are troubling me, are just that.... troubling.... ME. My weight, I am fighting so hard to get it under control. I am honestly weighing in every day so as to motivate myself to keep up with this rediculous diet. I keep thinking that thin, healthy and beautiful is ahead of me. I don't want to be the wife that's fat with a thin husband. I want his eyes to sparkle when he looks at me, and when we're intimate because he finds me irrresistable, not desperate.

Yep - I'm airing my dirty laundry.

I've had a few good blows to my self esteem during my marriage. Some of you know, some of you don't. People don't recover from what I've been through - repeatedly - all that fast, and I feel like I forgave so darn fast... that the forgetting should come before the forgive... that the forgive is because you can't remember it. I'm only human and I can't forget... but that's something God's gonna teach me to let go of - - Eventually. I'm stubborn and I'd rather carry my rocks for a while longer.

I'm preparing for so many office visits next month.

I'm afraid of being fat the rest of my life. I cannot do this. I have to be a healthier me, inside and out. It's the inside that's still taking work, but the outside - when finished - will help polish my insides.

Sorry to be such a drag... this wasn't a funny blog. Just honest. And I write it honest, no matter how bad it hurts to get it out. One day at a time to get through it. Just one day more...